Misery Loves Company, part 1
by Susan
Death Valley, CA
Misery loves company. We usually interpret this maxim to mean that people in pain* want those around them to be miserable, too. Some probably wish for that, but, more commonly, people who suffer often want only simple companionship as they endure a journey through the valley.
The other night, one friend, normally a bubbly sort, was sharing the fact that he had become depressed. So many aspects of his life that had been a source of joy and provision had suddenly fallen apart. Disappointment with a friend, loss of a job, radical changes to his responsibilities, and so on, were bringing him down emotionally and financially.
A group of his friends took him to task. They tried to get him to see the error in his thinking. They challenged him not to exaggerate. They dismissed the severity of his issues. They asked him to “count his blessings,” and then started a list for him. As if that weren’t enough, they encouraged him to find the silver lining.
Was he consoled by that “encouragement?” Instead of putting courage into him, the group actually took courage out of him. In fact, he became irritated, defensive, annoyed – even more miserable than when he started the conversation!
Once upon a time, my life’s flow chart came to a disappointing halt, and I ended up in a similar conversation with a well-meaning Christian. Uncomfortable with the depth of my sorrow, she pushed me to see God’s hand in the situation, the ultimate blessing of it, the true joy that it could turn out to be. The Bible is full of beautiful and true promises that she was happy to quote. To wit:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him… (Romans 8:28 NIV)
Passages like this are wonderful, and I’ve seen God fulfill those assurances repeatedly in Bible history and in my own life. But when I’m in anguish, I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t think I should have to. At times like this, I (we!) don’t want words, but simply a strong presence like that described in one of the most popular chapters in the Bible:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4 NIV)
The company that misery loves has the grace to offer a patient and listening ear, the strength to share in an empathetic silence, and the ability to comfort by BEing.
* Note: Here I’m talking about people who suffer from a relatively brief attack of the blues. However, clinically depressed people probably likewise don’t need unsolicited cajoling and rebuke but the empathy of friends and support of psycho-medical professionals.