Successful People Forget
by Susan
When Keith and I were first married, I read several books on what it would take to make our marriage strong and resilient. One of the comments that struck me was along the lines of “Love keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5), the idea to not hold grudges, to let bygones be bygones. Our code phrase for this kind of negative memory was “file cabinets.” For the most part, Keith and I have done pretty well at not dredging up old history in order to shore up today’s arguments.
Recently I was reading a book that took this concept to new heights, under the heading, “Don’t Let Yesterday Hijack Your Attention.”
A retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness. Successful people forget. They know the past is irrevocable. They’re running a race. They can’t afford to look behind. Their eye is on the finish line. Magnanimous people forget. They’re too big to let little things disturb them. They forget easily. If anyone does them wrong, they consider the source and keep cool. It’s only the small people who cherish revenge. Be a good forgetter. Business dictates it, and success demands it. (Elbert Hubbard, as quoted in John Maxwell’s Talent is Never Enough workbook, p. 46.)
It takes energy to nurture memories of the past, especially painful memories. Besides distracting from what you would prefer to focus on, those kinds of thoughts can also cause a reluctance to try certain actions again. “Once bitten, twice shy” refers to a learned distrust of people, but will it benefit you more in the long run to “forgive and forget”?
History is a powerful teacher, sometimes too powerful. When is it best to remember, and when is it best to forget?
Tags: forgive, grudge, john maxwell, memory, positive thinking, success
September 6th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I was going to write something, but now, I forget what it is.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Excellent post, Susan, and a good lesson for us all.
For my part, I try to distinguish between “keeping a record of wrongs” and learning from my mistakes. In that economy, I don’t think of “once bitten, twice shy” as remembering that someone did me wrong, but I think of it as a lesson that I should either proceed with caution or not proceed at all. The example is one of putting my hand in the face of a “snappy” dog. If I did do that I would forgive the dog immediately, but I would hope that I would not forget.
With people (some of whom are far less friendly than a snappy dog), I think we can also be forgiving and learning simultaneously. Our challenge, generally, is that under the guise of learning we hold on to the original hurts — in other words, we don’t forgive.
My problem, somewhat to the contrary, is that I don’t learn. I forgive quickly and easily, and I move on. Then one day I see that snappy dog and, slow learner that I am, I reach down to pet it.
One last point re: people, and that is that our forgiveness should be unlimited, assuming the repentance is unlimited. I’m good to go with all of that. I’m even good to go with forgetting the hurt, but I’m not so good to go with failing to learn something about the person who continues to hurt me.
October 13th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Do you ever notice that our memories change with time?
I honestly can’t remember any code phrases. Could be that I didn’t need that hearing checkup after all, but just need a refresher in these code phrases?